WOMEN who do this to their partner are the most

on WOMEN who do this to their partner are the most

This is a hard thing to answer, because I think if we boys don’t ask you girls to do something, then we probably don’t talk to each other about it, either. So I can only answer based on what I think I’d like girls to do more often when I’m dating, and also based on a little reverse-engineering from hearing what my guy friends seem to complain about, or from what my female straight-ish friends complain about regarding their breakups and complaints they’ve received from guys, etc.

Please note that most or all of the below would be just as applicable to what I suspect girls would want their boyfriends to do for them—and I tried to call that out wherever possible. But none of this should be considered a decidedly gendered thing, even if I don’t specifically say so. With that in mind, here are a few items I think boyfriends would like their girlfriends to do/not to yet are often too scared to ask:

[Warning: some of the below is sexually explicit—which is kind of in the nature of the response the question is prompting. Please, Quora people, don’t bug out on me just because things get frank. I’m trying to fulfill your mission statement and HELP SOCIETY!]

1. Compliment us more. If a guy is smart, he’s probably complimenting you a lot, saying how beautiful you are, how smart you are, how much he respects your opinions and your talents, how much you deserved that raise at work you didn’t get because your boss is too stupid to realize that you were a much better pick to head up the new Stevenson account at work, etc. As a guy, I love giving compliments, and I don’t need it to be completely reciprocal. But sometimes, and far more often than seems to be the norm, I would like it if the gals I’m dating would say I’m handsome, I’m a good DJ, I write awesome songs on the autoharp, I’m a good writer, I’m good at washing the dishes without being asked, etc. I remember one time, my whole family was together doing something, and my brother’s wife was talking about how he looked handsome that day, and then she’s like “I think all the Collins men are handsome. Must be genetic.” And I’m like “thank you! That’s a really nice thing to say. By gum, we are a handsome bunch! My self-esteem is definitely going up today! And… hey, why do I have to have my brother’s wife validate my appearance! Why not some girl I’m dating?!?” The compliments don’t need to be head-over-heels adoration, but they will mean more if we know that you actually believe them. So the best way to start is to think of things you already DO like about us and just say them out loud, and more often.
2. Buy us clothes, or help us pick them out. This one can be a bit tricky, because most guys may not want you to tell them to throw out their old clothes and dress like some other shmo—e.g. if we typically rock metal T-shirts and have long hair, and you bought us khakis and other preppier items, that might wound our pride or be taken as an insult. Many guys I know don’t particularly like to spend hours shopping for clothes, either. But I’ve also had one girlfriend in the past who just basically bought me awesome jackets when she’d be out, stuff that looked good on me based on what I already had in my existing wardrobe, and she really helped me to be a snazzier dresser. Sometimes guys are oblivious to fashion, but if you could help us to look our best by taking our existing sense of style and selfhood and enhancing it, bringing us to the next level, we’ll totally love you for it. And if we really DO love old school metal bands and you get us an awesome Judas Priest “Screaming for Vengeance” t-shirt, we might even cry with joy. This girl gets me!
3. Don’t depend on us to make all the decisions about where to go on dates or what to do for romantic anniversaries, etc. This may apply more to some girlfriends than to others, so don’t think this is an inherently gendered thing—there are plenty of relationships where it’s the guy who never has any ideas and the girlfriend always has to figure this out, and if you’re in one of those, then this item is not for you. But specifically, for me as a boyfriend, there are some relationships I’ve been in with women where I always had to be the one to come up with new and interesting activities for us to do—and then there was pressure for those events to be amazing. It was a big anxiety for me. I’ve even had relationships basically end because one of these events was canceled, outside of my own control, which felt really unfair to me, since I was the one who always had to put himself on the line to be the entertainment curator. If you can help take the reins and sometimes find restaurants or events that we’ll both like to go to, that is just plain awesome girlfriend work right there.
4. Share some common interests. It’s not a deal-breaker if there are many common interests you don’t share, and I think it’s very healthy if a couple does NOT share every hobby. That’s why we have friends outside of the relationship. But all things being equal, would we prefer a girlfriend who likes the music we like, or likes the sport we like, or likes kidnapping newspaper heiresses and reprogramming them to rob banks with fake rifles made out of toilet paper tubes as much as we do? Yes, yes we would. I kind of think it’s on us as guys to find and date girls who share those common interests, rather than date some girl because she’s hot or available and then resent her for not suddenly becoming a fan of comic books when we knew she wasn’t a fan when we met her. But if you’re a gal looking for a potential boyfriend, you might do well to tell us about a lot of the specific things you’re into already, because those are the things that’ll make us really notice you, if we like the same. And if you’re already dating us, if there’s some geeky thing we know all about that you wouldn’t mind exploring with us, then let’s go for it! There’s a unique joy in getting to relive those early days of our fandom vicariously through you as you ramp up in, say, becoming a Kurosawa fan by watching all the movies we already know and love. And this is not a one-way street—your boyfriend might really enjoy getting into some interest you have, especially if you reach out to him with some part of it you know he’ll like, just to get the wedge-end in there. Do you like first-person shooter games, but your boyfriend likes French cooking? Maybe find a video game that allows him to collect and stockpile food for a mission, and then see if you can slowly incorporate games that require a bit less food collecting and more zombie action sequences, until he ramps up. Almost every guy, no matter what his interests, tends to hate Nazis, so Wolfenstein could be your universal bridge-builder!
5. Say what you want and mean what you say. Again, it would be a stereotype to say “women are so confusing and guys are so stupid,” because there are plenty of literal-minded women and opaque guys. I’m very much a Mary Wollstonecraft feminist who believes men and women, at their base, are far more similar than they are different, and I know that if I believed the articles in women’s magazines, it seems women feel it’s the men who are the ones that don’t communicate. No gender has a monopoly on being frustratingly vague. So take what I’m saying here not as an inditement of women but as good advice for dating partners of any gender—people hate it when they’re doing the wrong thing and they don’t even know it, or are doing the right thing and aren’t told so they can do it again, so don’t let that happen. Just as anyone would, boyfriends would prefer that their girlfriends be honest and clear about how they feel, so that we can celebrate our victories and fix our problems quickly. The flipside of that is:
6. Don’t be suspicious, and don’t expect subterfuge. Those women’s magazines I was just talking about? Sometimes I think they overhype problems, or even invent them, so that women will buy the magazines in order to resolve them—they do this with body shaming, to you, and with articles like “how to get him to confess his real feelings,” to us. But a lot of the time, your guy isn’t holding back his feelings at all, and has already has said exactly what he means. If you’d like some more clarity, or you’d like him to talk about himself more, or you’d like to hear more details on his recent trip to Vegas, of course it’s cool to ask. But if after asking, you still don’t think you’ve gotten to the bottom of things, don’t by default suspect that we’re omitting details out of a desire to deceive you or keep you in the dark. Sometimes things are just personal, or sometimes we don’t have the words to convey them. Or sometimes we’re just tired and don’t want to get into it all right now when we just want to chill out for a second after a hard day—you know, just like any person of any gender would. (Or maybe we’re just blatantly fishing for a compliment from you that we don’t want to come out and ask for directly—see item #1 above). And honestly, you’ve likely tapped the very bottom of our barrel of truth already, so there is in fact no more “there” there. But even worse than being suspicious…
7. Don’t spy on us. Yet again, this applies to both men and women. But I can just speak for myself as a boyfriend and say that I would really prefer a girlfriend who allows me to feel secure in my own autonomous, personal, private life, even if it’s just in text messages or a journal. That’s sacrosanct. Don’t secretly check our emails, our phones, or our diaries, not even if you really think there might be something funny going on. Outside of multiple confirmed attempts at shooting heroin or embezzling from you, there is no excuse that makes this okay. It’s usually easy for us to figure it out, even if you think you’ve covered your tracks; but if you do successfully snoop without our knowing, that’s just going to become a secret you have to keep from us!I know I’ve had many girlfriends snoop through my stuff, and it just evokes the kind of shit my mom would pull back when I was a teenager. It feels demeaning and belittling, and yet nearly all of my girlfriends have done this to me. It’s such a violation that even if you’ve caught your boyfriend literally cheating in the past, or using drugs, or some other more serious thing that has violated the trust you once had in him, I still think think you should go the route of openly demanding that he allow you to read some texts or emails to prove he’s changed his ways, rather than just reading them behind his back. A reformed cheater will understand and won’t be too upset at that request. And it will allow him to forewarn you about some things you might be about to see that in case today’s email was the one where he talks shit about your mom or says he thinks Tilda Swinton is super sexy or whatever. Oh, and speaking of which…
8. If you do find out that we said something in a private conversation that you don’t like, don’t bug out. Another reason for not snooping is that you might not like what you see. Beyond the obvious—most guys probably have a little porn in their browser history—even the sweetest, most true guy has some secret thoughts that should remain private and aren’t yours to discover by spying. And he should be allowed to have them, even if they talk shit about you sometimes or say how sexy he thinks some other girl is, and even if he confesses them to a trusted best friend. It’s called venting, and people of all genders do it. It’s actually a healthy way for us to get over petty shit and come back to the relationship stronger. I’m not talking about trying to get dates behind your back or having phone sex with a stranger, which (depending on how open and freaky your relationship is—I’m assuming you’re not polyamorous) of course go beyond mere venting. But even a seemingly flirty conversation could be just talking, and doesn’t mean there’s any ulterior motive. Remember also that the tone of a text or phone conversation or even a weird doodle on a receipt is easy to mistake for something more than it is. So judge a man by his actions, not his words. As long as all his dating plans are true to you, and you’re the recipient of his love and joy and sex, then words will never hurt you. Oh, and speaking of joy and sex…
9. Be sexually forward. With some exceptions, most guys like sex a lot, which I’m sure you know. But one thing less often talked about is how much we men tie up a lot of our self-esteem with how sexually desired we are. With that in mind, it’s of course nice if you give us all the sexy stuff that people like Dave Chappelle say men want, like giving extra special, loving attention to our bits and pieces. But I think we even more prefer to hear how much you want us to do things for you and to you in the bedroom. Saying things like “I can’t wait to get home after this so you can fuck me so hard…” is like a confirmation that you actually look forward to sex with us, with no ambiguity. And that in turn means, hey, we must be desirable partners, and you’re not just putting up with the sex stuff but actually enjoying it with us, which makes us feel like Dick Van Dyke and the chimney sweeps, all chim-chim-cheree! Telling us that you want us to give you a hand job when the lights are low, or that you want us to hold you or kiss you or take your clothes off or nibble your earlobes, or really anything in the physical love department, makes us feel loved. The second counterpart to that is:
10. Be very frank and communicative on how we can both get you off sexually. By “get off,” I literally mean help us learn to give you frequent, earth-shattering orgasms, if possible. And by “both,” I mean as a team, since we really prefer you assist us rather than just let us keep trying stuff until we find something you like. Not that all women are quiet or timid about their needs in this regard—I can’t speak for how women really feel about this stuff, much less for how all women think. But I suspect that many women feel awkward doing this, like they’re being too pushy, and so they don’t say anything, even if things could really be improved on our end. Maybe some girlfriends are embarrassed if they think it’s a lot of long, hard work to get them off, so embarrassed that they’d rather have lackluster sex than “force” their boyfriend to hunker down and get to work on it. Or maybe they’re sensitive down there and are not looking forward to getting scraped to death by their boyfriends’ clumsy fingers. Or maybe they’re afraid that if they teach their boyfriends to get them off once, that the boyfriends will always go right for those same moves every time, and that takes the passion out of things. Or maybe the women sometimes don’t always get off, no matter what, and they don’t want to be pressured to have an orgasm every time sex is involved. Whatever the case, I think any boyfriend worth his salt would prefer to know all that as soon as possible and as often as needed, as long as it’s said in a tone of helpfulness and understanding. We want to know that we can satisfy our girlfriends, and it’s super important to us, even if we sometimes have a hard time asking the right questions to enable us to do so. Really, I think most boyfriends would be very happy if, shortly after establishing that this is going to be a long-term thing with sex involved, if the girlfriend was to say “okay, we’re going to spend the next few nights having me teach you exactly where to touch me and specifically how to do the touching, so we can iron this out now and not have to wait for years of figuring all this out. Doesn’t mean you have to do it every time, and doesn’t mean I WANT you to do it all the time, but let’s get this variable ironed out now so the learning curve part can be over and the fun, confident stuff can really start.” Seriously, if you can do all that, that is marriage material for a lot of guys. And if you ever think he’s just repeating those same moves every time, he’ll also be amenable to requests like “none of that tonight, love, let’s just go old school/freestyle/have a quickie/do the Southbeach diet another time/try something else instead.” Also, one caveat….
11. Don’t fake orgasm just to make us feel better or as a way to end the sex. Now, I’ve read that some women in gallup polls about this type of thing say that they sometimes fake orgasms for themselves, and not for the guys—these women, so the polls claim, are doing it because they’re actually into the sex and it makes them feel good to kind of go through it even if they’re not going through it. If that’s true, in those instances, I don’t think it’s a problem for you to moan ecstatically. But please don’t do it as a way to make us feel like stud-muffins, and please, don’t lie about it later, or lie to your boyfriends about orgasms in general. We do want to please you, and I understand the temptation to pretend to orgasm as a way to give us what you think we want, especially if it seems like we’re going to wait on you all night to “finish.” But remember, we’re really vulnerable in these situations, just like anybody might be—and so if we suspect that you’re faking it, it makes us feel terrible. “Wounded” is a word I’d use, except that it’s mild in comparison to how we’d actually feel to learn that we were so lousy in bed that you just gave up. Whether we figure it out now by noticing the subtle differences in this fake one based on previous real ones, or worse, whether we find out later after a string of what we though were real ones were all fake, it makes us feel totally hopeless as a lover. Now, if you’re just not going to be able to get off that night and you really do want the sex to end, of course that’s okay; but you don’t need to fake the orgasm, you can just say something along the lines of “mmmm I think I’m done, but that was nice,” or “ooh, wait, get off me, I have to go pee, sorry!” Or better yet, just say what every stud who’s been holding it in for all this time secretly wants to hear: “I want you to come! Do it! Yeahhhhh… do it!” 9 out of 10 of guys will go for it right then and there; the tenth guy will be saying “actually I already did, like five minutes ago.” And sure, some guys might be a little disappointed if they couldn’t get you off this time (see item #10 above) but we feel much better knowing that the times we can make it work for you, it’s absolutely real. And that goes even for when we’re not the ones actually doing the work, e.g.
12. ****It doesn’t have to be every time, but if/when possible, most boyfriends would just think it was the hottest thing ever if you digitally stimulated yourself WHILE they’re having sex with you.**** Seriously. If you prefer to bring yourself to orgasm with your own hands while simultaneously riding the pink pogo stick, don’t think that this is an insult to our manhoods! That is not a downgrade! In fact that’s super hot and sexy, and pretty much any guy would love it. First of all, it’s visual, which tends to be a thing for guys—no mysteries here! It’s simple yet effective, and vaguely kinky. Yet I’ve almost never had girlfriends do this for me unprompted, in part because perhaps I’ve been too shy to say. If only those girlfriends had asked me what I really want…. which brings me to my last suggestion, lucky number 13:
13. Ask this Quora question again, not of boyfriends in general, but of your boyfriend in particular. All of the above can really be mostly summarized as “ask your boyfriend what he likes in a relationship, and what he wishes he could learn about your likes and dislikes.” Just as you’ve turned to Quora for help, most of us boyfriends are so worried about whether we’re doing everything right, we might be too ashamed to ask our girlfriends to do things that make us happy. We might not want to seem selfish. And many of us are aware of the legacies of misogyny and sexism that, in the past, made men the kings of their castle at the expense of the happiness of the women in their lives, and so if we’re “woke,” we might be very hesitant to assert ourselves in ways that we feel could step on your toes. But that same entrenched cultural misogyny might still be deeply ingrained in us as far as what they dictate about masculinity, and we might feel like we’re failing at being men if we show uncertainty or confusion about how to make you happy. Your asking us what we want, as boyfriends, gives us a way to improve upon both these things! It allows us to tell you some personal wishes and joy, and it allows us the freedom to respond with questions about you and your needs. And if we start talking to you, and things go well, we’ll soon feel empowered to delve a little further into our most deep and weird emotions, in the knowledge that we can trust you with those feelings.